How the Grinch vandalised Vasantotsava – Bharavi

Goddess Eostre (Easter)

Man Sitting Under Tree IconNoise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. – Mark Twain

In an earlier missive inspired by Dr. Seuss and Mr. Grinch, Esq., we had recounted at some length the circumstances that led to our festival of Mithra Jayanti (or the winter solstice) being caricatured as Jesus’ birthday, and how the Christmas turkey serves as an apt metaphor for misappropriated Pagan usage.[1] As if getting your knickers in a knot over your date of birth weren’t inconvenient enough, as Gen. (Retd.) V. K. Singh can testify to, the story of Jesus just keeps going on and on like the perpetually perambulating Energizer bunny.[2]  Thus, the confusion extends to Jesus’ death too, and unfortunately and irritatingly throws our vernal (i.e. spring-related) festive observances quite out of gear, again due to the Christmas turkey effect.[3]  As we noted earlier, Jesus’ alleged resurrection after the crucifixion has the rather prosaic explanation that he was taken down from the cross before he really gave up the (holy?) ghost, and most probably spent the remainder of his earthly life hiding from Romans and Roman-law-abiding Jews.[4] The alert reader will kindly excuse us for citing ourselves thrice in four sentences in a manner more becoming of an eminent secular historian rather than an inoffensive Pagan hack. We reassure you that this is mere accident, not apostasy, and solely meant to indicate that ‘Mithra Jayanti’ and the ‘Christmas turkey effect/metaphor’ can be understood only if you take the trouble to refer to our thoroughly (externally) referenced previous epistle[5] to fellow heathens. (There we go again! Sorry!)

PaganismJesus, having failed in his stated mission as the redeemer of the Jews, tried to cover up for his failure by craftily postponing all his important work to the indefinite future, specifically when everyone would have accepted his messiahood, or at least heard about it, and the world would end. This very conveniently evaded the very important business of re-establishing the kingdom of Israel and rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem, but his schismatic followers were too busy to notice his cunning abdication of the essential function of a Jewish messiah. Julian, the apostate Roman emperor who publicly announced his own ghar wapsi (homecoming) into ancestral Hellenism after renouncing Christianity, and reigned as the last of the Pagan Roman emperors, did promise the Jews that he would rebuild their temple. Unfortunately, he died during his Persian campaign before he could fulfill his promise. Of course, this attempt to revive Paganism and rehabilitate Judaism in its ancestral land, aimed at rendering the Galilean messiah unemployable in his essential function led to impromptu performances of St. Vitus’ dance[6] by the emperor’s former co-religionists, for example Cyril of Alexandria:[7]

However who is it that has entered into war against the glory of Christ? They are legion, those who at various periods have let themselves go at this foolishness, driven by the perversity of the devil; but none as went far as Julian, who damaged the prestige of the Empire by refusing to recognise Christ, dispenser of royalty and power. Before his accession to the throne, he was counted among the believers: he had even been admitted to Holy Baptism and had studied the Holy Scriptures.

Indian Pagans note that purva-paksha is a sound technique, and uttara-paksha a powerful follow-through—Cyril’s testimony should be proof of that.

Jesus depicted as a Hindu YogiAnyway, to be fair to Jesus, he did not directly say that the end of the world was in the indefinite future. Rather, perhaps during his alleged secret wanderings in India,[8] he had the heaven-sent opportunity to learn at the feet of seasoned Indian bureaucrats, who definitively demonstrated that the best way to manage armies of importunate applicants for this-and-that was to assure them that the desired outcomes were expected “any time now”. And that’s what keeps his followers all agog with anticipation, generation after generation. Jesus’ misleading and evasive prophecies must have greatly riled our Saint Kabir no end, annoying him enough to vehemently preach the opposite extreme, exhorting people to carry out tomorrow’s work today, for the deluge could happen tomorrow, which only confuses the matter further.[9] This, we daresay, is an overlooked instance of possible Christian influence on nirguNa Hindu saints, if only in terms of annoyance and irritation, that has somehow escaped generations of lynx-eyed historians much better-qualified and better-informed than ourselves.  As for ourselves, we humbly prefer to adhere to all reasonable deadlines and excuse ourselves from the rest.  

So, to pick up our main story, the early Jesuolators had problems with the celebration of the arrival of spring among mankind, and the propensity of hastily-christianised Gentiles to display symptoms of relapse into Paganism in lock step with the spring equinox. Also, it must be noted that the Jewish festival of Passover, commemorating the hurried flight of Jews from Egypt, happened to coincide with the spring festivities as well, making it an occasion for facile backsliding not only by converted Gentiles, but also converted messianic Jews. It is rather obvious that it does not take revelation, prophecy or the fear of hell to induce people to celebrate spring, and different tribes and races have been doing so in their own ancestral ways since times immemorial. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” goes the old adage, and that’s exactly what the early Christian “fathers” did. Or, to extend our own metaphor, if you don’t have a turkey of your own, you can always grab and stuff your neighbour’s.

Adonis-Tammuz Pagans should recognise that necrolatry and ritual cannibalism do not really go with spring, unless Jesus is another God of the crops or vegetation like the syncretic Syriac deity AdonisTammuz. Interestingly, Queen (or ‘Saint’) Helena, mother of the benighted ‘Saint’ Constantine determined the location of Jesus’ birth, three centuries after his purported birth, through the medium of a dream—Christian worthies haranguing Indian Pagans over Sri Rama’s photo identification and proof of domicile, please note. Not unexpectedly, the so-called “Grotto of Nativity” is founded on a shrine of Adonis-Tammuz, whose death was ritually mourned, and whose resurrection was triumphantly celebrated—just the kind of Christmas turkey that could supply a cavity (cf. ‘grotto’ above) for stuffing with Jesus’ extravagant claims.[10] The British votary of Jesus, Bede, styled ‘the venerable,’ who wrote in England of the eighth century C.E., inadvertently demonstrated that even time could not cure the Church of this kleptomaniac tendency of turkey-snatching. He alluded to a northern Goddess Eostre (cognate with Indo-European Goddesses of dawn—Roman Aurora, Greek Eos and Vedic Ushas) in whose honour feasts were held during spring by (extinct) Pagans,[11] a dead giveaway. Owing to such haphazard and reckless turkey-snatching over centuries and across vast swathes of territory, Jesuolators are mired today in the so-called ‘Easter Controversy,’[12] or the inability of Jesuolatrous sects to agree on the ‘correct’ date of the said festival. That’s pretty much expected when you haphazardly extend the already strained notion of the exclusivity of God, Son and Book, to stolen and stuffed Turkeys of multi-ethnic pedigrees.  

But what, you may wonder, is behind this business of bunnies, hiding eggs and sending children on an egg-hunt? The fertility symbolism of the egg is there for all to see, and the rabbit is said to be associated with Goddess Eostra. In modern times, the egg-hunt is certainly welcome relief for harried parents who have to come up with ideas to keep their offspring gainfully occupied for a while and guard them from television and video games whose effect on children is comparable to that of Circe on Ulysses’ men.[13] Moreover, the egg-hunt has the additional merit of informing the thoughtful and sensitive treasure-hunting cherubs that their elders’ waiting for Jesus’ ‘second coming’ is very similar to the act of searching for rabbit’s eggs. We hope the little egg-hunters and their parents will eventually undergo their own spiritual renewal by the rediscovery and renaissance of their Genius, in the ancient and holy sense of the word. We offer them the words of remembrance, exhortation, hope and renewal expressed by the Pagan polymath Thabit ibn Qurran al-Harrani, even as he led a physically precarious but intellectually productive existence in the Pagan enclave of Harran (situated in modern Turkey)[14] in the 9th century C.E., ironically preserved for us by the Syrian Christian scholar Bar Hebraeus:[15]

Thabit ibn Qurran al-HarraniWhereas many submitted to the false doctrine under torture,[16] our ancestors held out with the help of God and came through by a heroic effort; and this blessed city (i.e. Harran) has never been sullied by the false doctrine of Nazareth (i.e. Jesuolatry). Paganism, which used to be the object of public celebration in this world, is our heritage, and we shall pass it on to our children. Lucky the man who endures hardship with a well-founded hope for the sake of Paganism! Who was it that settled the inhabited world and propagated cities, if not the outstanding men and kings of Paganism? Who applied engineering to the harbours and the rivers? Who revealed the arcane sciences? Who was vouchsafed the epiphany of that godhead who gives oracles and makes known future events, if not the most famous of the Pagans? It is they who blazed all these trails. The dawn of medical science was their achievement: they showed both how souls can be saved and how bodies can be healed. They filled the world with upright conduct (cf. śeela) and with wisdom (cf. jñAna), which is the chief part of virtue (cf. dharma). Without the gifts of Paganism, the earth would have been empty and impoverished, enveloped in a great shroud of destitution.”  


  1. Bharavi (2021); How the Grinch Stole Mithra Jayanti.
  3. Bharavi (2021); How the Grinch Stole Mithra Jayanti.
  4. Bharavi (2021); How the Grinch Stole Mithra Jayanti.
  5. Bharavi (2021); How the Grinch Stole Mithra Jayanti.
  6. Rapid and uncoordinated jerking of face, hands and feet, generally due to bacterial causes, but exacerbated in the above cases due to intracranial super-infection by Jesus.
  7. Contra Julianus (Against Julian), written by Cyril, Archbishop of Alexandria. It was admiringly presented to Theodosius the Jesuistic tyrant who dealt the death-blow to the traditional religions across the Roman empire, and famously terminated the Olympic games, until their revival in modern form in 1896.
  8. These, and other details of his alleged wanderings in the Indo-Tibetan region so beloved of deluded Hindus, were painstakingly fabricated by a Crimean Jewish trickster named Nikolai Notovitch in 1894, who also claimed for good measure that he was a Russian aristocrat. This cock-and-bull story was unfortunately and recklessly recycled and given wider currency by Swami Abhedananda, a disciple of Swami Vivekananda. Today, ‘Jesus in India’ is, very fittingly, a ‘zombie lie’ that will rest only with the demise of either Hinduism or Christianity, whichever occurs first.
  9. kAl kare so Aj kar, Aj kare so ab. pal me parlay hoyagi, bahuri karoge kab. Now, if it’s indeed the deluge tomorrow, shouldn’t you just let your hair down party today, while you still can? Well, that’s precisely what Jesus advocated when he referred to “the lilies of the field.”
  10. See Chapter 32 titled The Ritual of Adonis of Sir James Frazer’s monumental The Golden Bough: A Study in Magic and Religon.
  11. Bede, The Reckoning of Time, dated to the eighth century C.E.
  12. The World Council of Churches decided in 1997 to harmonize the dates of Easter among various Churches. In 2001, the fortuitous coincidence of Easter dates according to both western and eastern churches was practically taken as a divine portent for settling the controversy, but subsequent implementation and adherence has been nonexistent.
  13. Briefly, Circe transformed Ulysses’ men into swine.
  14. Thanks to its location, Harran was buffeted by “Love” from the west and “Peace” from the east.
  15. See: The Melammu Project – The Heritage of Mesopotamia and the Ancient Near East.
  16. The real implication, we infer, of the oft-quoted phrase “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Mark 12.31). After all, a perceived Christian heretic will fare no better than an unrepentant Pagan, as centuries of impartial ‘Neighbourly Love’ in Europe and elsewhere have demonstrated, resulting in the syncretic Christian practice of the torture of bodies with prayers for the souls within the said bodies.

Christian calendar is Pagan!



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